Top 10 Least Wanted Smash Bros. Characters

With a new Super Smash Bros. game in the works (let's call it Universe) it's fun to speculate about which characters will be included and which excluded. It's also fun to talk about "most wanted" characters, those beloved video game heroes (and villains) that haven't yet appeared in the franchise. But it's even more fun -- as we found out -- to talk about the least wanted characters: video game personalities that have no business fighting it out with Link, Mario, and Samus Aran. Below are the top 10 unwanted Smash Bros. characters. If Nintendo knows what's good for them, they'll leave these guys out of the roster.

--Lou and Evan

Honorable Mentions

Bob-omb

Don't call him Bob or he'll blow up your car.

Robert Bombinski (who tragically hated the nickname “Bob”) was just a regular guy working in a bomb factory near the Mushroom Kingdom, when a twist of fate turned him into a cruel abomination of Bob plus Bomb! The countdown starts as soon as the match begins, with Bob trying to get as close as possible to one of the other fighters before exploding, since he can't cause damage any other way and consequently cannot possibly win the round.

Moves: Wind-up, Release, Explode

Taunts: “My name is ROBERT!!”

Final Smash: Big Bada-Boom! Bob finally regains a modicum of sentience and waddles quickly towards the green pipe that acts as his perpetual reincarnation machine, blowing it up and ending his eternal suffering for good.

Natalya Simonova

Who are you, the narrator?

Never has one character been responsible for so many broken controllers. Natalya starts off with only one life, no matter what game settings you're using. If she dies, the game ends, so the other players must protect her from harm. This is no small task considering the frenzy of Smash Bros., the countless Russians shooting at her, and her intensely strong desire to commit suicide.

Moves: Stand there, do nothing, absorb bullets, DAMNIT NATALYA GET THE #!%@ OUT OF THE WAY OF MY GUNFIRE!!!!

Taunts: “All the heroes I know are dead” “James, what’s the function of this ‘trigger-shaped’ thing on my gun?”

Final Smash: Die Another Day!: Natalya attempts to hack into the controls for the Goldeneye weapon. Three seconds before successfully arming it she is killed by an overwhelming and unfair number of Russian soldiers, and the round has to start over from the beginning


Top 10

10. Tingle

The original Green Man.

Tingle is a 35-year old man obsessed with forest fairies. Ok, that sounds bad. That sounds really bad. But Tingle is mostly harmless, and has helped Link in his heroic adventures. However, he should not be anywhere near a fighting arena. He's not a fighter, he's a lover...of....er, fairies.

Moves: Balloon animal, paper cut, unsettle

Taunts: "Tingle Tingle Koolah Limpah!"

Final Smash: Float On! Tingle feverishly inflates more and more balloons, floating higher into the air each time until he is floating beyond control and disappears off-screen.

9. Doc Louis

That boxing glove was white when he got it.

The former WVBA Heavyweight Champion turned overweight coach comes out of retirement to smash it up with the Nintendo all-stars. Doc’s compulsive chocolate bar habit has resulted in several trips to real “Doc”-tors who strongly advise him not to fight. Doc confidently strolls up on his signature training bike, but spends most of the match wheezing and holding his left arm in pain.

Moves: Chew, Munch, Bite, and Star-Punch!

Taunts: “Dancin' like a fly, bitin' like a mosquito” “Hey, Mac! Did you eat some of my chocolate bars?”

Final Smash: Gastric Bypass! 20+ years of tap-dancing the line of racial insensitivity finally catches up to Nintendo, when a lawsuit forces the rating board to shut down the entire Punch-Out! brand for over 12 counts of flagrantly offensive stereotyping. Fortunately for Doc, the fight has already been called off as he has collapsed from yet another massive heart attack. The remaining players call it a draw and wait for EMTs to arrive.

8. Mr. Resetti

"I told you not to add me to this game!"

Of all the Animal Crossing characters, Mr. Resetti is certainly the most...angry. He will pop out of the ground next to your house whenever you reset the game without saving. Mr. Resetti is a mole with blue overalls, a miner's hat, and a pickaxe. Children may find Mr. Resetti's authoritarian tone of voice disturbing.

Moves: Furious tirade, pickaxe attack, trash talk

Taunts: "NO RESETTIN'!" "You got another think comin'!"

Final Smash: Game, Reset, Match! Mr. Resetti's yells at other players so loudly and so violently that he triggers a thermonuclear explosion, destroying all characters, the stage, and wiping the memory card clean.

7. Whomp King

"You win again, gravity!"

Debuting in Mario 64, Whomps are the evolved cousins of Thwomps, possessing arms and legs which at first glance make Whomp King a worthy fighter for the Smash Bros. series. An immediate second glance makes it painfully obvious that the purpose of Whomp King’s existence is to suck.

Moves: Waddle slowly and awkwardly, fall over face-first, get up, repeat.

Taunts: “Just try and pound me, wimp” “I won’t gravel, er, grovel."

Final Smash: Berlin Wall! Whomp King grows to enormous size, making him extremely top-heavy and causing him to do his signature move (falling over face-first)! Gravity does the all the work and he lays there wiggling his arms ineffectually while the rest of the players continue the fight on his back, making Whomp King the new stage.

6. Podoboo

Flame on!

For those who don't know, Podoboo is a recurring enemy in the Mario universe. It's basically a living fireball with eyes that jumps out of lava. Podoboos are virtually invincible, so whenever a player chooses Podoboo, the game immediately jumps to the results screen, where Podoboo is declared the winner.

Moves: n/a

Taunt: n/a

Final Smash: n/a

5. Slippy Toad

This...this speaks for itself right here.

Joining the ranks of Fox, Falco, and Wolf comes the enthusiastic but hapless Slippy. According to Starfox Assault’s insruction booklet, “Slippy's not much of a fighter...” and they couldn’t be more right. He attempts to use his inventions in battle, but fails every time. For example holding “B” to use his Reflector Shield causes the projectile to remain in place while Slippy goes flying in the other direction.

Moves: Reflector Shield, Self-destructing Blaster, Sticky Grenades (that stick to his hands when he tries to throw them).

Taunts: “Woah! Help Me!” “I’ll be monkey-food if I don’t leave.” “I thought I was a goner."

Final Smash: Tanks for nothing, Fox! In a dramatic sequence, Slippy’s Landmaster is dropped off by Great Fox with modifications to make it the size of the screen. Slippy enters the cockpit, a targeting visor appears over his eyes, and the giant tank promptly falls into pieces of scrap metal before exploding, launching Slippy into the horizon.

4. Pokemon Trainee

"That's it, I'm going to barber college."

Whereas Pokemon Trainer had three of the most popular, famous, and useful Pokemon to fight with, Pokemon trainee (who are we kidding, he's really more of an intern) fights with three largely useless Pokemon: Psyduck, with his perpetual headache; Metapod, with his limited range of movement; and Goldeen, with his power to flop around struggling to breathe. Pokemon Trainee can switch among three different Pokemon, but in reality YOU should have switched characters before the match began.

Moves: vacant stare, harden shell, air bubble

Taunt: "I get paid $5.25 an hour for this?"

Final Smash: Three Stooges! Trainee drops all three Pokeballs at once, then slips on them comically and crashes into other players.

3. Navi 

Here Navi tells Link about student loan repayment options.

Navi’s single tactic in Smash Bros. is to force all the other players to scramble for the mute button, and take advantage of the distraction to do some damage. “Some” being whatever amount of damage that a floating ball of wings and blue light can reasonably inflict on fire-breathing dinosaurs, sentient foxes with laser blasters, and Donkey Kong.

Moves: Z-targeting.

Taunts: “HEY!” “LOOK!” “LISTEN!”

Final Smash: Great Faery! Navi latches onto one of her opponents, fluttering around and being generally obnoxious to the point where they decide to end it all and jump off the edge of the stage, taking Navi with them.

2. T-shaped Tetromino

Who's ready for the T party?

Nintendo has plumbed the depths of its game library to find some pretty obscure and unlikely combatants, but not deep enough to find the T-shaped Tetromino, one of the six shapes from Tetris. The T Tetromino isn't what you'd call a natural fighter, since he can only attack once from above and then remains motionless for the rest of the match.

Moves: rotate right, rotate left, drop, drop fast

Taunts: Mocks you...with geometry.

Final Smash: Line Clear! T Tetromino is triumphantly joined by the five other Tetris shapes (a la Voltron) at the bottom of the stage, where they combine briefly then disappear.

1. Waluigi

"I regret everything."

Using the laziest character design imaginable, this cross between Wario, Luigi, and Snidely Whiplash was created as a placeholder in Mario Tennis for the N64. Waluigi has since planted himself firmly both in every party/sports game as well as the hearts and minds of Nintendo fans as the most universally hated character in the Mario lineup.

Moves: Tennis Racquet, Golf Club, Mario Party Dice

Taunts: “Waluigi get you next time!” “When-a Waluigi get his own-a game?”

Final Smash: Swimming Return! Waluigi has this move in Mario Power Tennis where he dons a snorkel and somehow defies the laws of physics to swim around the tennis court and get under the ball to hit it. It will become obvious that a lazy programmer was hired to adapt this animation for Smash Bros. Universe when Waluigi’s sprites get stuck in the stage, forcing the game to freeze completely.