King Koopa opens up about kidnapping, parenthood, and his feud with Mario.
This week, editors at DBtC had the opportunity to speak with Bowser, the much-maligned giant turtle of the Mushroom Kingdom. Bowser is famous for his unwillingness to speak to members of the media, especially after he set fire to a recording studio in Burbank in 2004. During the interview, DBtC posed many difficult questions to Bowser, including some about his award-winning architecture, his burning hatred for Italian plumbers, and his rumored infatuation with Princess Peach.
DBtC: Welcome, Bowser. Thanks for being here today.
Bowser: Is this place flame retardant? I only ask because I'm a giant fire-breathing monster covered in spikes. So, you know, you might not want to interview me in a cramped place packed with dry newspapers. Could we move this interview to an open field or an auditorium or something?
DBtC: I assure you, it's perfectly safe. So, Bowser, tell us: why do you continue to kidnap Princess Peach? Is this about political power, disrupting the decision-making process in the Mushroom Kingdom? Or are you, to put it plainly, in love with the princess?
Bowser: This is about that stupid journal entry isn't it? I was in a bad place when I wrote that. I was going through a messy divorce, my kids needed braces, and everything had recently turned two dimensional. You know what that does to property values? You walk through the front door and suddenly you're outside again. Listen, I'm not in love with Princess Peach. She's a human. I'm a giant fire-breathing monster covered in spikes. How would we even, you know? I guess it's a moot point because no one in the Mushroom Kingdom has genitalia.
DBtC: Speaking of your kids, you've been the target of some fierce criticism from family groups about involving children in your kidnapping schemes. How do you respond to those charges?
Bowser: Do you have any idea how hard it is to be a single father raising eight children? I'm like that Octomom, except I don't make porn. I mean, I really couldn't even if I wanted to. No genitalia, remember? Anyway, I can't afford daycare, and I just can't leave them at home. So I bring them to work. It just so happens that my work mostly revolves around kidnapping and attempted murder.
DBtC: And don't forget about building elaborate dungeons, fortresses, and castles. All of your designs have been well-received. They've won many awards, including the Pritzker Prize. Yet not a single one is left standing. How do you feel about that?
Bowser: Don't get me started on that. It's like Mario goes out of his way to destroy my fortresses and castles. One time he exploded a castle with one of those bombs attached to a plunger. Where did he even get that? Wile E. Coyote? I mean, Jesus, one time he literally kicked the building to pieces. I spent 18 months designing that castle! Morty Jr. was never the same after that.
DBtC: Let's talk about your relationship with Mario, while we're on the subject. It's a complicated relationship, wouldn't you say? At one time you even joined forces.
Bowser: Oh brother. Listen, my entire army had deserted me. My castle had a giant sword in it. I just wanted my old life back, plain and simple. Mario was a means to an end. After we won the day, everything went back to normal. I started kidnapping the princess again, Mario started beating the crap out of me again. Everyone was happy. Oh wait, I wasn't happy. Only Mario was happy. And Peach. And all those filthy Toads.
DBtC: What about Luigi?
Bowser: Who?
DBtC: Welcome, Bowser. Thanks for being here today.
Bowser: Is this place flame retardant? I only ask because I'm a giant fire-breathing monster covered in spikes. So, you know, you might not want to interview me in a cramped place packed with dry newspapers. Could we move this interview to an open field or an auditorium or something?
DBtC: I assure you, it's perfectly safe. So, Bowser, tell us: why do you continue to kidnap Princess Peach? Is this about political power, disrupting the decision-making process in the Mushroom Kingdom? Or are you, to put it plainly, in love with the princess?
Bowser: This is about that stupid journal entry isn't it? I was in a bad place when I wrote that. I was going through a messy divorce, my kids needed braces, and everything had recently turned two dimensional. You know what that does to property values? You walk through the front door and suddenly you're outside again. Listen, I'm not in love with Princess Peach. She's a human. I'm a giant fire-breathing monster covered in spikes. How would we even, you know? I guess it's a moot point because no one in the Mushroom Kingdom has genitalia.
DBtC: Speaking of your kids, you've been the target of some fierce criticism from family groups about involving children in your kidnapping schemes. How do you respond to those charges?
Bowser: Do you have any idea how hard it is to be a single father raising eight children? I'm like that Octomom, except I don't make porn. I mean, I really couldn't even if I wanted to. No genitalia, remember? Anyway, I can't afford daycare, and I just can't leave them at home. So I bring them to work. It just so happens that my work mostly revolves around kidnapping and attempted murder.
DBtC: And don't forget about building elaborate dungeons, fortresses, and castles. All of your designs have been well-received. They've won many awards, including the Pritzker Prize. Yet not a single one is left standing. How do you feel about that?
Bowser: Don't get me started on that. It's like Mario goes out of his way to destroy my fortresses and castles. One time he exploded a castle with one of those bombs attached to a plunger. Where did he even get that? Wile E. Coyote? I mean, Jesus, one time he literally kicked the building to pieces. I spent 18 months designing that castle! Morty Jr. was never the same after that.
DBtC: Let's talk about your relationship with Mario, while we're on the subject. It's a complicated relationship, wouldn't you say? At one time you even joined forces.
Bowser: Oh brother. Listen, my entire army had deserted me. My castle had a giant sword in it. I just wanted my old life back, plain and simple. Mario was a means to an end. After we won the day, everything went back to normal. I started kidnapping the princess again, Mario started beating the crap out of me again. Everyone was happy. Oh wait, I wasn't happy. Only Mario was happy. And Peach. And all those filthy Toads.
DBtC: What about Luigi?
Bowser: Who?
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